grief claire bidwell smith

What I Know About Grief

grief claire bidwell smith
Twenty years after the death of my mother and ten years after becoming a grief therapist, there's a lot I know about grief. I've lived it personally and I've also held the hands of hundreds of others as they navigate their own process of mourning. After all this time and all this experience, there are a few things I know for sure.

1. Your grief is uniquely yours
There is no single book or person who can tell you what your grief should look like. The grief process is as unique as the relationship you had with your person. How long it takes, the emotions you experience, and how you honor the relationship you had with that person is entirely up to you. Look to various grief resources and authorities as guideposts, but don't let them dictate how you think you should be grieving. That said, if you feel you're stuck in one area or struggling to cope with some of the heavier emotions definitely reach out for help.

2. There are more than 5 stages of grief
As much as we wish there were some kind of easy formula to follow, there just isn't. The five stages are a wonderful starting point, but they aren't the whole of the process. The truth is that grief is much more fluid and dynamic than most people think. We can experience multiple emotions at one time, feeling both angry and sad for instance. Or we can skip over some stages and linger in others longer than we anticipated. There are even stages that are only beginning to be recognized in the grief community, like anxiety.

3. There is no exact timeline
Our culture currently allows time to grieve for a few short days and weeks immediately after the death of a loved one, but grief actually lasts far longer than that and often the hardest and most painful parts of the bereavement process don't occur right away. Often in the very beginning we are in shock, and it is usually weeks and months later that the deep pain of loss comes. Unfortunately, this is usually the time when most of the people in your life have resumed normalcy and assumed that you have too. The fact is that some grief takes years to process, and often the work we need to do to understand the larger ramifications and life changes that come with significant loss come much later. Go easy on yourself and adjust your expectations for how long you will grieve.

4. Find a community
Grieving can be very lonely. Often it can feel like we are all alone in our grief and this can make it even harder to heal. Create space in your life for your grief, educate your loved ones about your process so they can be supportive, reach out to people who have been where you are, and take time to find a community in which you can grieve. There are in-person support groups, one-on-one therapy, and online communities available in abundance.

5. There is another side to grief 
The truth is that you will never get over your loss. And you don't have to. When we lose someone we love we will always miss them and wish they were still here. But two things can be true at once: you can miss your person and also strive to create a meaningful life in their absence. Sometimes people feel that by healing and moving forward in life it means they are letting go of their person, but instead if you can find ways to stay connected to your loved one and enrich your life at the same time you will find the greatest healing and peace.

I'd like to encourage you to share this blog with someone you know who is grieving.

Love,
Claire

claire bidwell smith

Finding Meaning After Loss

meaning after loss claire bidwell smith
I recently turned 40 and I spent the morning sitting on my patio writing in my journal and reflecting on the last year. Birthdays are always hard for me. No matter how festive or sweet or quiet or loud, something always feels to be missing. I always feel a strange sort of embarrassment or shame or melancholy, and I know that all of this has to do with no longer having the two people who brought me into this world.

Some years are harder than others, and this morning I was thinking about why. I realized that the years in which I didn't feel melancholy were the years in which I spent my birthday in service of some kind. This realization led me to think about the bigger concept of being in service.

It was a couple of years after my father died when I found myself working in helping capacities – first at a nonprofit supporting underserved school kids, then at an organization that helped homeless people find jobs, after that in hospice, and now in private practice as a grief counselor. Every single day now I talk to people who are hurting, people who are lost, and people who feel alone. Every single day I work to step out of my way and give something of myself to the community around me.

This is the number one thing that has led me out of my grief and pain. Finding a way to feel useful and purposeful in the world, making meaning out of tragedy, and giving what I can of myself, has changed my life. If you are grieving right now, or even just in pain of some kind, I recommend spending an hour or two, or even more, doing things for other people. I promise that those couple of hours will be the ones during your week that glow with peace and love. 

There are no quick fixes to grief. It's a long process with ups and downs, but the things that I know that actually provide relief from the suffering are meditation, finding ways to be of service, and journaling.

If you’d like guidance on your grief process, my online grief program, A Safe Place to Grieve is now available in a self-guided version. Learn more here.

If you're grieving right now and you haven't tried these things, give them a shot. I promise they'll ease some of your pain. 

Love,

Claire


father's day claire bidwell smith

Missing Your Dad on Father's Day

It's that time of year again - Father's Day is here. Card displays and lawnmower commercials serve as a constant reminder to celebrate our dads. But for those of us whose fathers are no longer with us, these reminders can be incredibly painful. While everyone around us is gathering to spend time with their fathers, it's a lonely day for others who are missing their dads.

I know your pain on this day. It's been 15 years since my father died and not a year goes by when I don't wish I could surprise him with breakfast and a necktie he'll never wear. For years I ignored the day, scanned the celebratory Facebook posts with empty eyes, and tried to find a balm for the twinges of envy and resentment I felt for those who still had their fathers.

Over the years something softened for me. Perhaps it was simply time but partly it had to do with finding a community of other people who were missing their dads too. Even though this isn't a club we wish to be a part of, we're not alone. This year if the relentless Father's Day messages are feeling like lemon juice in a paper cut, here are a few things you can do to ease this holiday:

  • Listen to my live call recording with Author and Master Life Coach, Dr. Karin Luise, where we discuss Father Loss and how to move forward after losing your Father.
  • Seek the company of those who understand. The Fatherless Daughters Project Community is a great place to start.
  • The Beyond Fatherless Conference is another good opportunity to connect with others who get it.
  • Decide how you want to spend the day. You could swing between deciding to stay home with take-out and bury yourself in Netflix all day or to do the opposite and embrace the day by honoring your dad and doing something that reminds you of him. (Note that each year may feel different depending on what's going on in your life.)
  • Avoid social media for the few days surrounding Father's Day if it's triggering too much for you.
  • Let a few friends or family know that this day is difficult for you and let them support you during this time.
  • Allow for a multitude of emotions. Anger, resentment, jealousy, frustration, anxiety, and sadness are all normal.
  • Journal your feelings so that you do not get pent up.
  • Make an extra appointment with your therapist just to give yourself some extra emotional padding.
  • Do something in honor of your dad - volunteer or donate to a charity, write him a letter, visit his favorite place or restaurant.

Overall, know that you are not alone in facing difficult feelings on Father's Day, no matter how long it's been since you lost your dad. Be gentle with yourself and find the support you need.

Love,

Claire


regret guilt grief claire bidwell smith

Dealing with Regret in Grief

regret guilt grief claire bidwell smith

 

Today I want to explore grief and regret with you. To date I have never had a client who did not experience some form of regret following the loss of a loved one. Something left unsaid, a decision made near the end that they wish they could change, or a situation unresolved. After a loss these regrets can haunt us endlessly.

For several years after my mother died I obsessed about various things I did and didn't do towards the end of her life. It had been so hard to see her sick, so scary to see her turn into someone I didn't recognize, that I often withdrew from her, something that caused me great pain in reflection.

But by far, the hardest one was the night she died. I had left college and was on my way to the hospital, seven hours away. Halfway there I stopped to see a boy I had a crush on and decided to stay the night. Some of this decision came from avoidance and denial. But a lot of it was just my teenage naiveté. Nonetheless, my father called in the middle of the night to tell me that I had not made it in time, and that she was gone. 

The remorse I carried over this ate me up for years. I couldn't believe that I had failed my mother in such selfish ways. I turned that fateful night over in my head like a Rubix cube, trying desperately to change the outcome. I cried and cried, and I wrote my dead mother endless letters telling her how sorry I was. 

Eventually, years down the road, I was able to forgive myself. After I became a counselor I saw just how many people feel regret following a loss. And I was finally able to see myself in the context of so many others: as a human being, fallible and fragile, and full of love and fear and humanity.

We cannot change our past, but we can forgive ourselves. And we can recognize that we feel this pain because we loved someone so much. And that there is endless beauty in that. 

If you find yourself consumed with regret following a loss know that working through these feelings is your path to healing and eventual peace. Find a therapist to talk through the emotions with. Write letters to your lost loved one. Forgive yourself.

You are not alone.

Love,
Claire


online grief program claire bidwell smith

My Online Grief Program is now available anytime!

Although registration is closed for the live May 2018 session, I have developed a self-guided version of the course and it's available now!

First, I want to tell you more about where my motivation to take this path and create this program deepened.

I can tell you that when I was a little girl, the idea of growing up to become a grief counselor was not on my list of things to be. But I can also tell you that I am nothing but grateful for the work I do today. A decade of professional experience, working one on one with clients who are grieving, along with my own personal two decades of loss, has given me such a breadth of knowledge.

It is all of this experience and knowledge that I relied upon to design this program and create the content. For ten years I have worked in the field—first in hospice and now in private practice. I have walked alongside hundreds of individuals going through their own deep grief process and in doing so, I have learned so much—not only about grief itself but about how loss shapes us and enables us to see the world in ways we would never have otherwise.

More about my online program: A Safe Place to Grieve | An online course for overcoming the difficult emotions of grief

Over the course of this self-guided program, I help you tap into the aspects of grieving that I have found essential to healing and growing after losing someone you love. I'm with you every step of the way, thinking about my own personal hardships and triumphs and also about each and every client I have worked with. These individuals have truly taught me everything I know today.

Get the full details here

Love,
Claire


online grief program claire bidwell smith

A Safe Place to Grieve (Self-Guided Online Grief Program)

Dear Friends,

When my parents died twenty years ago I didn’t know where to turn for grief support. I felt so isolated from my peers, and the grief process I endured was incredibly lonely. I so wish there had been a program like the one I am now launching. And that’s exactly why I’ve created it.

I’ve been wanting to offer this to you for years. And now that dream has come true. A Safe Place to Grieve (previously called Growing and Thriving Through Loss) allows me to serve so many more individuals than I could possibly work with one-on-one. Now, anyone, anywhere, anytime can receive support, community, and guidance as they walk their path with loss.

During the live program sessions, participants also have access to our private Facebook group and direct interaction with me. This is one of the most healing parts of this opportunity for those who want to connect with others who have experienced loss and can deeply understand their what they've been through. 

Of course, the online program experience is different than talk therapy, but I use the same tools and approaches to grief work over the course of these six weeks that I use in my individual sessions.

A Safe Place to Grieve self-guided program includes:

  • Weekly videos (plus transcripts)
  • Printable weekly workbooks
  • Weekly audio meditations
  • Printable journaling workbook
  • Access to the program website
  • Private Facebook group for sharing this journey with fellow participants and receiving my support
  • Daily emails to guide you every step of the way

Throughout the course we move through the following topics in-depth, bringing healing and peace to all the different areas in which you are currently struggling.

Week One: What does it really mean to grieve? We explore the process and your own individual path.

Week Two: We dive into the deep stuff like guilt, anger, and anything left unresolved following your loss.

Week Three: All about anxiety. How it relates to your loss, how to manage it, and how to overcome it.

Week Four: What does it mean to find resilience within your grief process? We take inventory of your life and where the big shifts need to happen.

Week Five: Staying connected. The key to alleviating much of your pain is learning how to stay connected (or reconnect) with your loved one. There are more ways than you think.

Week Six: Moving forward doesn’t mean letting go. Embracing your new normal and learning how to make meaning and find purpose.  

I hope to have the chance to share this program experience with you. I promise it won’t be scary or overwhelming. I’ve walked this path myself and I’ve walked it alongside so many others. There is another side to grief. Let me help you get there.

Sign up here to be the first to know when the next session is open for registration.

Love,
Claire