Dealing with Regret in Grief
Today I want to explore grief and regret with you. To date I have never had a client who did not experience some form of regret following the loss of a loved one. Something left unsaid, a decision made near the end that they wish they could change, or a situation unresolved. After a loss these regrets can haunt us endlessly.
For several years after my mother died I obsessed about various things I did and didn't do towards the end of her life. It had been so hard to see her sick, so scary to see her turn into someone I didn't recognize, that I often withdrew from her, something that caused me great pain in reflection.
But by far, the hardest one was the night she died. I had left college and was on my way to the hospital, seven hours away. Halfway there I stopped to see a boy I had a crush on and decided to stay the night. Some of this decision came from avoidance and denial. But a lot of it was just my teenage naiveté. Nonetheless, my father called in the middle of the night to tell me that I had not made it in time, and that she was gone.
The remorse I carried over this ate me up for years. I couldn't believe that I had failed my mother in such selfish ways. I turned that fateful night over in my head like a Rubix cube, trying desperately to change the outcome. I cried and cried, and I wrote my dead mother endless letters telling her how sorry I was.
Eventually, years down the road, I was able to forgive myself. After I became a counselor I saw just how many people feel regret following a loss. And I was finally able to see myself in the context of so many others: as a human being, fallible and fragile, and full of love and fear and humanity.
We cannot change our past, but we can forgive ourselves. And we can recognize that we feel this pain because we loved someone so much. And that there is endless beauty in that.
If you find yourself consumed with regret following a loss know that working through these feelings is your path to healing and eventual peace. Find a therapist to talk through the emotions with. Write letters to your lost loved one. Forgive yourself.
You are not alone.
Love,
Claire
Mother’s Day Without Your Mom
This week I’m thinking nonstop about everyone out there who is facing Mother’s Day without their mom here. It’s really one of the hardest holidays to get through when you’re missing your mama.
Fortunately, you’re not alone. And there are more resources than ever to help you feel supported. No matter how you choose to actually spend the day - in bed with Netflix or out with friends and family - take a moment to connect inwardly with your mom, and also to connect with the sisterhood of women all around you who are missing their moms too.
Resource:
How to Get Support on Mother's Day
A Place for Motherless Daughters on Mother's Day Weekend
An Open Letter to Motherless Daughters on Mother's Day
Free Mother’s Day Call with me and Hope Edelman:
List of blogs:
After Loss: Rediscovering my Mom in Motherhood
How to Spend Mother’s Day After Loss
Healing from the Loss of a Mother
My Online Grief Program is now available anytime!
Although registration is closed for the live May 2018 session, I have developed a self-guided version of the course and it's available now!
First, I want to tell you more about where my motivation to take this path and create this program deepened.
I can tell you that when I was a little girl, the idea of growing up to become a grief counselor was not on my list of things to be. But I can also tell you that I am nothing but grateful for the work I do today. A decade of professional experience, working one on one with clients who are grieving, along with my own personal two decades of loss, has given me such a breadth of knowledge.
It is all of this experience and knowledge that I relied upon to design this program and create the content. For ten years I have worked in the field—first in hospice and now in private practice. I have walked alongside hundreds of individuals going through their own deep grief process and in doing so, I have learned so much—not only about grief itself but about how loss shapes us and enables us to see the world in ways we would never have otherwise.
More about my online program: A Safe Place to Grieve | An online course for overcoming the difficult emotions of grief
Over the course of this self-guided program, I help you tap into the aspects of grieving that I have found essential to healing and growing after losing someone you love. I'm with you every step of the way, thinking about my own personal hardships and triumphs and also about each and every client I have worked with. These individuals have truly taught me everything I know today.
Get the full details here.
Love,
Claire
A Safe Place to Grieve (Self-Guided Online Grief Program)
Dear Friends,
When my parents died twenty years ago I didn’t know where to turn for grief support. I felt so isolated from my peers, and the grief process I endured was incredibly lonely. I so wish there had been a program like the one I am now launching. And that’s exactly why I’ve created it.
I’ve been wanting to offer this to you for years. And now that dream has come true. A Safe Place to Grieve (previously called Growing and Thriving Through Loss) allows me to serve so many more individuals than I could possibly work with one-on-one. Now, anyone, anywhere, anytime can receive support, community, and guidance as they walk their path with loss.
During the live program sessions, participants also have access to our private Facebook group and direct interaction with me. This is one of the most healing parts of this opportunity for those who want to connect with others who have experienced loss and can deeply understand their what they've been through.
Of course, the online program experience is different than talk therapy, but I use the same tools and approaches to grief work over the course of these six weeks that I use in my individual sessions.
A Safe Place to Grieve self-guided program includes:
- Weekly videos (plus transcripts)
- Printable weekly workbooks
- Weekly audio meditations
- Printable journaling workbook
- Access to the program website
- Private Facebook group for sharing this journey with fellow participants and receiving my support
- Daily emails to guide you every step of the way
Throughout the course we move through the following topics in-depth, bringing healing and peace to all the different areas in which you are currently struggling.
Week One: What does it really mean to grieve? We explore the process and your own individual path.
Week Two: We dive into the deep stuff like guilt, anger, and anything left unresolved following your loss.
Week Three: All about anxiety. How it relates to your loss, how to manage it, and how to overcome it.
Week Four: What does it mean to find resilience within your grief process? We take inventory of your life and where the big shifts need to happen.
Week Five: Staying connected. The key to alleviating much of your pain is learning how to stay connected (or reconnect) with your loved one. There are more ways than you think.
Week Six: Moving forward doesn’t mean letting go. Embracing your new normal and learning how to make meaning and find purpose.
I hope to have the chance to share this program experience with you. I promise it won’t be scary or overwhelming. I’ve walked this path myself and I’ve walked it alongside so many others. There is another side to grief. Let me help you get there.
Sign up here to be the first to know when the next session is open for registration.
Love,
Claire
Honoring Holidays, Anniversaries & Birthdays for Loved Ones
There are so many difficult dates after you lose someone you love. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays - there seems to be one around every bend, and each one brings on its own set of emotions. In the twenty years since my parents died I've experienced a multitude of reactions to these dates and some years are more painful than others. I can never be quite sure which dates will hold big emotions for me, and which ones will float under the surface quietly. But what I do know is that it helps me to do something to honor my parents on the dates that hold intense feelings for me.
For my father's ten year death anniversary I took a private flight lesson in a tiny Cessna. My father had been a pilot in the war and flying was a great love of his. For me, piloting this little airplane over the coast of Los Angeles ten years after his death, helped me feel closer to him than I had in years. I knew he would have loved the way my heart pounded as we ascended into the clouds and that he would have been proud of all the strength and resilience I'd found in the years since he'd been gone.
And after my daughters were born I began a ritual of making a cake with them each year on my mother's birthday. We use my mom's old mixer and measuring cups and spoons, and as we bake I tell them stories about how I used to bake with her. The whole act invokes her presence, not just for me, but for my daughters who never knew her in real life. After we're done we even light candles and sing to her, and hearing my mother's name on the lips of my daughters' never fails to fill my heart.
There are so many ways to ritualize and honor our passed loved ones. When we find ways to do so it creates healing and a sense of connection that is otherwise missing. Cook something they loved or make a reservation at their favorite restaurant. Plant flowers or indulge in a hobby they enjoyed. Watch their old favorite movie, gather friends or family for a meal and to share memories, or simply light a candle by their photo and say hello. (Check out Allison Gilbert's book Passed and Present for even more ideas.)
Additionally, I offer a self-guided online grief program: A Safe Place to Grieve. The program is based on the process I use every day with my grief therapy clients. You are guided through six sections using my meditations and videos, workbook, journal, emails and more.
Our hearts yearn to stay connected to the people we have lost. Honor that yearning, honor your relationship, and honor the love that you will always have for them.
Love,
Claire
How to Help Kids with Grief and Loss
Today I want to talk about kids and grief. Our children will inevitably experience loss. Sometimes it is directly – the loss of a friend or family member, and sometimes it is peripheral – witnessing a classmate lose someone or becoming aware of a national tragedy. Death is a complicated concept for children to comprehend. They feel it on a visceral, emotional level, but they are not quite able to understand it on a cognitive level.
When we experience loss as adults we not only feel it deeply, but we take in the big picture in such a way that it makes the pain even sharper. Often children cannot even comprehend that they will truly never see the deceased person again. They are not able to foresee all that their lives will look like as a result of the loss, and cannot imagine the important milestones and life moments a deceased person will miss. Instead, children and adolescents are very much in the moment. What does it look like right now to have the person gone? What does it feel like in this moment?
The best thing you can do is meet them exactly where they are. Talking about the loss with them in very simple and direct terms is helpful. Taking time to answer their questions, even if sometimes you have to say, "I don't know" as a response is important. Use clear language and allow them the time to come and go from their own thoughts. Simply providing space for them to process it in whatever way they do is vital. Giving them permission to feel everything they feel and providing a non-judgemental space in which they can explore their thoughts will benefit them greatly.
Lastly, teaching them about ritual or helping them find ways to memorialize the person is incredibly helpful. Check out Allison Gilbert’s Passed and Present for creative ideas on memorializing objects belonging to loved ones.
And here is a list of some of my favorite children’s books that really help open up conversation and understanding around death:
I know it can be intimidating to talk with your kids about grief. For some it can open up your own grief in ways you’re not ready to confront. For others it can be scary to not have all the answers. But again, simply providing space for them to process their own thoughts and fears provides enormous healing.
Love,
Claire
Healing from the Loss of a Mother
I recently led a retreat with Hope Edelman, author of Motherless Daughters, so it seems only fitting that I talk about mother loss today.
My mom died of cancer when I was eighteen years old. She'd been a wonderful mother and we were incredibly close. Her death shattered life as I knew it, and forever changed who I would become.
In the last twenty years of her absence, I've learned an enormous amount about the effects of mother loss. I lived through my own experience of it and I've also worked with countless women on their own journeys. In my book The Rules of Inheritance, I wrote:
“Her death leaves me both depleted and emboldened. That's what tragedy does to you, I am learning. The sadness and wild freedom of it all impart a strange durability. I feel weathered and detached, tucking my head against the winds and trudging forward into life.”
While there is no sense in comparing different kinds of loss, I do know that mother loss has a long-lasting impact on a woman's sense of self, on her relationships (romantic, familial and fraternal), on her sense of self-worth, and on her ability to feel nurtured in the world, no matter how much support she may have around her.
Over the last few years of working so extensively with motherless daughters, I've seen myself mirrored in dozens of women. I've sat in rooms filled with these women and seen the same themes emerge over and over - depression, anxiety, fear of more loss, difficulty with attachments, control issues - but also positive themes like fortitude, resilience, independence, ambition, and empathy.
I've often found myself wishing that certain people in my life - family members or partners who have struggled to understand me in the face of my loss - could hear these rooms and understand that my feelings and issues are not abnormal; that I am part of a sisterhood I never asked to join, but with whom I now clasp hands in gratitude that we have found each other.
If you have lost your mom please know that you are not alone in missing her months, years, and even decades later. This loss comes with its own subset of varying impacts on your life. Seeking support and understanding around this loss is incredibly healing and rewarding. Pick up Hope’s book, work with me individually, or join us on a retreat (there’s one coming up on February 16 - 19 in Ojai, CA). It’s never too late to begin healing.
Love,
Claire
