Claire Bidwell Smith

Dear Juliette, You are nine months old now. You have officially lived outside of my body, just as long as you were inside of it. There’s something about this nine month mark. I felt it with your sister too. There’s an independence that comes with it, an attachment that is less to me, and more Read more…

Dear Mom, You have been gone for 16 years. Almost half of my life. All morning I’ve been trying to imagine what you would think of me now. I’m thirty-four years old. I live in California. I’m married with two little girls. I’m a writer, and a therapist. I keep wondering if these are the Read more…

I took this photo of Veronica this morning when I dropped her off at preschool. It’s our morning ritual. After putting her lunchbag in her cubby, reading her a few books, and giving her a hug, I then stand outside the schoolhouse and draw hearts or flowers or smiley faces on the glass for her. Read more…

I returned from my trip to Atlanta the other day and have been trying to catch up ever since. As I write this my suitcase sits in the dining room, yet to be unpacked, and I still have a million thank you emails to write to everyone who came out to my reading on Tuesday Read more…

Dear Juliette, Last night I did something terrible. I did the thing that no mother is supposed to ever do. Your sister asked me if I love her more than you, and I said yes. I know, I know. You’re going to hold this over me forever. But it’s not even true. That thing that Read more…

2012 has probably been the busiest year of my entire life. I gave birth to my second child. And I also brought my first book into the world. It was a big year, a beautiful year, and a hard, hard year. I tried to do so many things. I succeeded at many of them, failed Read more…

Dear Dad, I’m sitting here in my little house in Los Angeles, wishing more than I have in a long time that you were still here. Some terrible things have happened in our country and I don’t know which way to turn. I feel angry and confused and sad. So, so sad. I suddenly don’t Read more…

I have so much to say and nothing at all to say. I feel that, as a grief counselor, and as someone who has experienced so much grief, I should have comforting words to offer, but the truth is that I do not. I have been writing about this tragedy since I first found out Read more…

When Greg and I met, I was coming off the first substantial amount of time I’d ever spent on my own. I’d grown strong and independent during this time. I lived alone, put myself to bed every night, traveled to and from Los Angeles, always returning with the knowledge that I wasn’t reliant on anyone. Read more…

Almost the very moment Juliette was born, I realized that my relationship with Veronica had changed. I think I knew it in the days leading up to giving birth for the second time. Each night in those last days of pregnancy, I crawled into Vera’s bed with her and kept my arms around her until Read more…