Claire Bidwell Smith

It’s been almost fifteen years since I first came across Hope Edelman’s book Motherless Daughters. I was twenty years old and living in New York. My mother had been dead for two years and I was more lost than ever. I can’t remember how I came across this book, whether someone told me about it, Read more…

I took this photo of Veronica this morning when I dropped her off at preschool. It’s our morning ritual. After putting her lunchbag in her cubby, reading her a few books, and giving her a hug, I then stand outside the schoolhouse and draw hearts or flowers or smiley faces on the glass for her. Read more…

Dear Dad, I’m sitting here in my little house in Los Angeles, wishing more than I have in a long time that you were still here. Some terrible things have happened in our country and I don’t know which way to turn. I feel angry and confused and sad. So, so sad. I suddenly don’t Read more…

I have so much to say and nothing at all to say. I feel that, as a grief counselor, and as someone who has experienced so much grief, I should have comforting words to offer, but the truth is that I do not. I have been writing about this tragedy since I first found out Read more…

When Greg and I met, I was coming off the first substantial amount of time I’d ever spent on my own. I’d grown strong and independent during this time. I lived alone, put myself to bed every night, traveled to and from Los Angeles, always returning with the knowledge that I wasn’t reliant on anyone. Read more…

Almost the very moment Juliette was born, I realized that my relationship with Veronica had changed. I think I knew it in the days leading up to giving birth for the second time. Each night in those last days of pregnancy, I crawled into Vera’s bed with her and kept my arms around her until Read more…

Last night I dreamed about my mother. Specifically, I dreamed that I was besotted with grief over her death, and crying in big, heaping tears. I was crying the way I sometimes want to, but seldom do anymore. I’ve been missing her a lot lately. I’ve been wondering what she would think of me if Read more…

Dear Dad, Today is August 5th, 2012. You died nine years ago. Funny, it seems like it was yesterday, and also a lifetime ago. For a long time that evening stayed in my head. The balmy California dusk, the palm trees outside your bedroom window and the sound of kids splashing in the complex pool, Read more…

We only had two names during this whole pregnancy. Juliette Marie, if it was a girl. Everett William, if it was a boy. I’m still mourning the loss of Everett a little. I really loved that name. We were going to call him Ever or Rett for short and I imagined that he would have Read more…

Welcome to Excerpts from the Ether. Every Saturday I’m going to be excerpting a letter from a reader (with their permission, of course) and featuring them here on my blog. Something that has always stood out to me about grief is how lonely it is. When you’re going through the loss of a loved one, Read more…