Thursday Morning Over-Thinking
Posted July 12, 2012 by
It’s Thursday morning and I’m alone in the house with Juliette who is fussing away in her swing as I try to tap this out. It’s a cloudy, cool day in Santa Monica and I keep forgetting what day it is, what month it is. Having a newborn is such a unique experience. Everything blurs together, drops away. Life at once intensifies and smooths out. I remember crying so often during these same early weeks with Vera, but I’m not crying this time around.
This time it’s more about slowing down, about trying not to speed past all of this. I’m so eager to get back to normal, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. I went for a run the other day and I returned to the office this week. Everything feels temporary because I know how fast life moves. My four year wedding anniversary is next week and I can’t believe how much we’ve done and grown in four, impossibly short years. If this is where we are now, where will be in another four?
My life feels like a never-ending battle to both be present, and to not over-think things.
Speaking of over-thinking, last night I started reading Siblings Without Rivalry and immediately got freaked out and started feeling like I’ve done everything wrong already. Ever since Juliette was born I can’t stop thinking about the sister relationship these two girls now have. It’s something I know absolutely nothing about. I feel like it could go a million different ways and that the relationship could be impacted by so many variables, one of the strongest influences being myself and Greg and how we treat them.
Having two children of the same sex suddenly seems wildly different than having two children of opposite sexes. Also knowing that we will only ever have TWO children comes into play. How we talk to them, treat them, react to them is going to be huge in terms of how they view themselves, each other, and us. I’ve already found myself constantly comparing them in my head, calling them by the same nicknames and literally spending my days endlessly switching off between the two. And because Juliette is so young and nursing so often, so much of my attention goes to her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell Vera that I can’t do something with her because I have to take care of the baby. Yesterday afternoon I let Jette cry for a full five minutes just so I could finish reading a book to Vera, and several times I called out to her, “I’ll be there soon, Jules. I’m reading a story to Veronica.” — just to counteract the reverse that’s been coming out of my mouth.
Their relationship already seems utterly complicated and scary and I’m worried about whether or not I’m doing it right. But I also know that we’re only three weeks in, that everything will continue to evolve, that fears and reactions I have now will be completely different in just a few months or even weeks. It’s all still a lot to think about though.
Prior to Juliette’s arrival Vera spent three years being completely mama-obsessed. She has always preferred me over anyone else, always wants to be close to me, sitting on my lap or doing whatever I’m doing. She always wants me to be the one to feed her, or change her, or brush her hair. Mama, mama, mama. It’s been both heartbreakingly sweet, and also frustrating at times.
But suddenly all of that is over.
Ever since the moment she met her sister, all of that attention once directed towards me has been channeled in the direction of Juliette. It’s no longer me whom she wants to sit next to. It’s not me whom she wants to come along on a shopping trip with or to play in her room with. It’s Juliette. Jules is the first thing Vera wants to see in the morning and the last thing at night. She “checks on” her all day long, gives her constant hugs and kisses, sings songs to her and wants to assist in every diaper or outfit change.
It’s almost like Juliette is Veronica’s baby, instead of mine.
I think about the last three years and how Greg and I have been the center of Vera’s universe. I think about the time I had with my parents, how my mother was my everything. I know now that if Juliette had not been born, it would have been the same with Vera, but how now her primary relationship in this lifetime will likely be her sister. It’s incredible to think about.
Anyway, all this to say that I want to do this right. I want to be a good parent. I want to be a good mom. I want to help my girls be good people and sisters and friends and women. I want them to look back and know that I tried really hard to give them these things.
A Room of One’s Own (Finding My Voice in the Midst of Parenthood)
Dear Juliette: Nine Months In, Nine Months Out
On Being Seen
22 Comments
I am sure you are a terrific mother; what kept me going, particularly during my son’s teen years, is “he is in the process of becoming his true self,” sounds new agey, but Danial Jordan’s small booklet re same kept me going; he was an educator par excellence, innovator and Baha’i. While I read your piece I thought of plants and gardeners and how a rose or anything else I guess has to be pinched now and then. Perhaps this is what experience Veronica is going through. Motherhod always brings perennial worries, “did I cause this,” but if we raised our kids as hothouse flowers, they’d droop immediately upon hitting the read world. Didn’t mean to go on, but i did.
Comment by Esther Bradley-DeTally on July 12, 2012 at 11:16 am
Going thru lots of the same thoughts here. So many similarities but here it’s the brothers thing. I feel horribly guilty all the time about how my relationship w Noah has changed forever. Let me know if you ever wanna talk.
Comment by EveLyn on July 12, 2012 at 11:42 am
Claire, you have such a sweet heart, and I love that about you. I’m not a mother, but I can tell you what created an unbreakable bond between my sister and I – spending LOTS of time together. I’m older than her by 4 1/2 years, and my parents were a tad worried when they brought her home and my only opinion of her was “she’s….short!”. I had been on the tiny side as a kid and apparently that was the most unkind thing I could think of to say to show my distaste of no longer being the baby. Of course that jealousy was temporary, as we were joined at the hip all throughout our childhoods playing for days that seemed to stretch out to eternity. Now as adults, we are still best friends and we have soooo many happy (and funny!) memories to look back on. Time spent close together will do a lot of the heavy lifting!
Comment by Barbara on July 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I have two younger sisters and though there were times growing up that I wished to be an only child, I love them fiercely now we are adults. And you’re right, I am closer to my sisters than to my parents. My mother was busy – she was raising 5 – but i never felt neglected or unloved. I think Vera and Jules will be just fine. Those pictures are so sweet in showing Vera’s early devotion to being a big sister. It’s the best!
Comment by jen on July 12, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Hi Claire!
It’s funny – I don’t know how much you can control these things. I am in the middle of three sisters, and I ended up being closer to my younger one purely out of biological chance and the fact that we are just much more similar. We are all very close to our parents and in different ways that we are to each other. It will all unfold, and you will end up being close to both of them, and they, of course, will bond as well. Love your blog – and I read your book. You have such beautiful children!
Comment by Julia on July 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm
You are so wise for being so young. We are approaching our daughter’s WEDDING – I know, talk about over-thinking things!! I have always felt the same way with my children – I have a daughter and two sons (in that order). The motherhood experience has always been one that I have over-thought – like you I want to be a good mother, that has been such a driving force in what I have done with my kids. I want my babies to be good, KIND people and I want my children to love each other. So far so good with my guys – but my motherhood journey isn’t over, I don’t want it to ever end.
Warmest congratulations to you. You are such a great mom already to your two little blessings. Keep sharing with me – you are wonderful!
Comment by beth davis on July 13, 2012 at 8:38 am
I have two younger sisters, and our relationships were always easy. The worst thing I remember fighting about is the youngest using my razor in the shower! While reading this post, I was trying to think of ways my parents influenced my relationships with my sisters. The only thing that comes to mind is that they treated us with unwavering equality. But, looking back and as the eldest, I’ve always felt enormous responsibility for the quality of our relationships. Like because they looked up to me, which is something it took me way too long to realize was true, it’s up to me to make sure we are close. Well, I guess I’m just thinking out loud.
Another thing, Vera is still a mama’s girl! Now she’s just changing the way she expresses it. Instead of wanting to be with you, she wants to be you – a mother to Juliette how you are a mother to her.
Comment by Anna on July 13, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Just stopping by to let you know….that I discovered your book today at the library. I am a 36 year old mom of seven but somehow found the time to read the whole thing in one afternoon! Its after 11 pm now and I’m usually asleep by now but couldn’t put your beautiful book down. Found your blog on my iPhone….I see you have another important person in your life…a new baby. Congrats. Don’t worry. Just watch the next story unfold, of sisters, being a mama of girlS! It’s wonderful! I blog on xanga, as “purpleamethyst76″. Thank you for writing your important book, I was truly moved by it. Shanda from CT
Comment by Shanda on July 13, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Hi Shanda, thank you so much for reading my book (so quickly!!) and for your nice comment. Please do stay in touch!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Anna! Your comment made me tear up. What a nice way to think of it — that Vera is practicing her own mothering. Thank you.
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Thank you so much for your kind words, Beth! And congratulations on your daughter’s upcoming wedding!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Thank you, Julia!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Thanks, Jen! Wow, one of 5!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Haha…love this story, Barbara! Thank you for your kind words and advice!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Let’s definitely talk soon Evelyn!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Thanks, Esther! I love these thoughts!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 13, 2012 at 8:43 pm
You ARE a good parent. A GREAT one..:) xo
Comment by francesca on July 13, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I have a younger (by 2 years) sister, and we fought a lot through our childhood, I was a bossy tomboy who struggled a lot and she was perfect at everything and irritatingly girly. My parents encouraged us to have our own interests and personalities and didn’t compare us (out loud at least!). My mother always told us that having a sister was the most unique and important relationship we would ever have, but as I child I really doubted her.
When I was 14 and Meg was 12 we started becoming friends by choice, talking clothes, music, boys and make up until late, going shopping together. We were the best of friends by the time I was 17 and she was 15. Although I adore my husband, my sister is my favourite person in the world and is still the first person I want to confide something in or celebrate something with. Meg moved to the US in January and I am counting down the days until she comes home in January as I’ve felt like a limb has been missing for the past 7 months.
My really long-winded point is that whether your girls are the best of friends from the very first day or whether it takes a few years, sisters inevitably find common ground and become each others most important person. By the looks of the photos your girls are well on the way there!
Comment by Arnah on July 16, 2012 at 6:02 am
Arnah, loved your comment and insights. Thanks for the encouraging thoughts!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 16, 2012 at 8:28 am
Thank you, Fran! xo
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on July 16, 2012 at 8:28 am
Yes, you Americans do over-think things. It is a block to reactions, which is what children and infants do. Trust yourself. React with your emotions rather trying to restrain them or filter them through your intellect.
Vera has correctly identified the focus of your attention and time as currently being Juliette. The pictures posted show either an adoring sister, or an attempt to remain in the spotlight. Probably both. Have another look at them and realize how sophisticated Vera has become in three short years.
It has not escaped my attention that you will “only ever have TWO children”. Having two girls myself, I can kind of guess your future family dynamics.
Comment by Paul Tredgett on July 17, 2012 at 12:19 am
Please update my e-mail address to paul@possumvalley.com.au as the address you have is now defunct. Cheers, Paul
Comment by Paul Tredgett on July 17, 2012 at 6:52 am
Leave a Comment