Posted May 23, 2012 by
I’m back to feeling nervous about giving birth. Yesterday marked three weeks until my due date, and last night Greg and I lay in bed watching a show on his laptop and observing my belly jump and pulse with the baby’s movements. “In like a month we’re going to be watching the finale of this show with a baby between us,” he said, and we both looked at each other with a mixture of fear and excitement.
I don’t know why I’m so scared to give birth again. Perhaps just because I’ve already done it and I know that it’s going to be hard and painful and wildly intense. But there’s other stuff swimming up for me about it all as well. We went to the movies the other night on my birthday and at one point early on I thought I felt a contraction. I spent the rest of the movie in a total state of anxiety about what it’s going to be like to leave the house with Greg and head to the hospital, coming to the realization that the scariest part of all of this for me is leaving Vera behind.
I hate the idea of going off to do this big, potentially dangerous, thing without her. I have this huge fear of abandoning her, of something happening to me and not being able to be there for her when she needs me. I know that’s probably somewhat normal for a mom about to give birth to her second child, but I also know that a lot of those emotions are mixed up in having lost my own mother and how I never, ever want V to experience what I went through.
I’ve been trying to focus on the positive parts of it all — that I’m giving her a sibling, that I’m strong and can do this, that…I don’t know…that it’s all going to be okay. But I’m nervous all the same. People do this all the time, right? Have second children? I keep thinking about my mother-in-law who did this SIX times. By the time she gave birth to her third it was old hat — she always tells the story about how she labored at home for so long (trying to get one last load of laundry done) that when she got to the hospital she gave birth to her daughter Sara in the amount of time it took for Bill to go park the car.
That gives me hope. And is also kind of insane. I’m wondering if we should put some towels in the car just in case I have to give birth on the 10 freeway en route to the hospital.
I can’t believe this is going to happen so soon.
In the hospital with Veronica, the day after she was born.