Getting Nervous

I’m back to feeling nervous about giving birth. Yesterday marked three weeks until my due date, and last night Greg and I lay in bed watching a show on his laptop and observing my belly jump and pulse with the baby’s movements. “In like a month we’re going to be watching the finale of this show with a baby between us,” he said, and we both looked at each other with a mixture of fear and excitement.

I don’t know why I’m so scared to give birth again. Perhaps just because I’ve already done it and I know that it’s going to be hard and painful and wildly intense. But there’s other stuff swimming up for me about it all as well. We went to the movies the other night on my birthday and at one point early on I thought I felt a contraction. I spent the rest of the movie in a total state of anxiety about what it’s going to be like to leave the house with Greg and head to the hospital, coming to the realization that the scariest part of all of this for me is leaving Vera behind.

I hate the idea of going off to do this big, potentially dangerous, thing without her. I have this huge fear of abandoning her, of something happening to me and not being able to be there for her when she needs me. I know that’s probably somewhat normal for a mom about to give birth to her second child, but I also know that a lot of those emotions are mixed up in having lost my own mother and how I never, ever want V to experience what I went through.

I’ve been trying to focus on the positive parts of it all — that I’m giving her a sibling, that I’m strong and can do this, that…I don’t know…that it’s all going to be okay. But I’m nervous all the same. People do this all the time, right? Have second children? I keep thinking about my mother-in-law who did this SIX times. By the time she gave birth to her third it was old hat — she always tells the story about how she labored at home for so long (trying to get one last load of laundry done) that when she got to the hospital she gave birth to her daughter Sara in the amount of time it took for Bill to go park the car.

That gives me hope. And is also kind of insane. I’m wondering if we should put some towels in the car just in case I have to give birth on the 10 freeway en route to the hospital.

I can’t believe this is going to happen so soon.

In the hospital with Veronica, the day after she was born.

12 comments

12 Comments

  • Posted May 23, 2012 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    You will probably go into a calm zone. Just remember there are people out there, even ones you don’t know, who are holding you up with an invisible net. Blessings and wishes for an easy, healthy birth!

  • Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    Thank you so much, Esther!

  • Wendy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    Can definitely reassure you that one of the hardest parts of having a second child is having to leave the first at home while you give birth. Having the girls was the first time I ever was away from Cam and my biggest fear was him feeling abandoned. That being said one of my most cherished memories is Cam hugging me like he would never let go when we came home and introducing him to his new sisters. So excited for all that lies ahead for you (and of course Greg and Veronica). Best wishes for an easy delivery and soon!

  • Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    Thanks for your well wishes, Wendy! Glad to know I’m not feeling alone in all this. So sweet about Cam.

  • Posted May 23, 2012 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

    Look at you in blue jeans the day after giving birth! I love that.

    My friend Mary just gave birth to her third baby…her first two are 14-month-old twins. She said the hardest part was not getting to kiss on those twins all day after she gave birth. That sort of struck me, you know? That would be very hard.

    But I’m sure you’ll have V in the room pronto after this one comes, even though the laboring without her will be tough. Maybe you can Skype her in between contractions?

  • Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    Elizabeth, they were maternity jeans!! And I dunno about skyping between contractions…haha…wish me luck with it all!

  • Bonie
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:52 am | Permalink

    This was the scariest part about the 2nd time….I was pretty neurotic about telling every nurse I met what potential issues could occur. I may have even mentioned to the doc that the kids dad doesn’t know how to give them baths so she really needed to keep me around. Yep, that was my fear, that my kids would be raised dirty with matted hair….not so much that they would be motherless! I think it is all part of the process…you will be fine! You are strong and healthy and Vera is going to love being a big sister!!!!!
    Happy belated b-day by the way!

  • Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Bonie, I loved this comment! Totally made me feel better. I imagine I’ll be in a similar state with my nurses and doctor!

  • Posted May 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    My second son came two months early. I was admitted to the hospital directly from an appointment, when my oldest was still at daycare. Because my blood pressure was very high, they thought it was not advisable for me to see my older son (who was 3 at the time). But I kept asking to see him and wondering if he was ok, and they finally realized that _not_ letting me see him was stressing me out. So a dear friend brought him to visit, and that was what I needed. After his visit I felt calm and reassured and gave birth to his brother, who turns 11 tomorrow, just a few hours later.

    And the video I love the most from that time is the footage of my big three year-old coming to the hospital to see his 3 1/2 lb. brother for the first time. So precious. You will soon have your own beautiful, indelible memories of introducing Vera to her new sibling. So worth it all! Blessings to you!

  • Posted May 30, 2012 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    Thank you, Kirsten! That’s so sweet that your friend brought your son to see you.

  • Posted May 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    People out here/there – their hearts pulsate for you and your family’s well being!

  • Posted May 30, 2012 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Thanks, Esther!!

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