Thoughts on Denial
Posted March 05, 2012 by
I received a long email from a close friend of my mother’s today. She’s just finished reading my book and had a lot to say. The passage that really struck me, and that also made me incredibly sad was this one:
The last time I saw your mom was in St. Joseph’s Hospital, right before she left for DC. She didn’t want to talk about her condition or ever discuss the possibility that she might not make it, so we did not, and I was not fully informed as to the details of her condition at that time. When I saw her in St. Joseph’s, I did tell her that I planned on maintaining a relationship with you, regardless of what happened to her. She did not want to hear this, I don’t think, as it sounded more negative than she wanted to hear, but I did want her to know that. You moved away so far, that our contacts have been infrequent, but, at least, we are still in touch! I think she would like that, as do I. I look back on that now and wish I had done more for her. I wasn’t always sure of what to do, whether she wanted friends around who might discuss her situation with her, or not. She did not want to discuss it with me, and it was awkward to see her getting worse and pretend not to notice. I still don’t know what one should do in that situation.
I’ve been talking about the five stages of grief on almost a daily basis lately. Between interviews and Q&As at book signings, the five stages are always up for discussion. I’m comfortable talking about them, and thinking about them, especially when it comes to my own experience. However, one thing I’ve always kind of wondered is how in denial my mother really was. The other night I read aloud an excerpt from Chapter One, in which I attempted to talk with her about the fact that she was dying.
I write:
We’ve never talked about it. What it would be like if she died. She’s been sick for four years and we’ve never talked about it.
Every time I read this passage, I always secretly wonder, is this really true? Did we really never talk about it? I know I wrote this in my book, but it just seems so impossible sometimes. I look at my own daughter and I know that if I were dying I would talk to her about it. I think about my mom too, about how magical and wonderful and easy to talk to she was, and it astounds me that she just couldn’t talk to me about this.
Reading her friend’s email this morning answered my question though. It affirmed what I really did know to be true — my mother just couldn’t bring herself to talk to me about the fact that she was dying.
This breaks my heart. I think part of the reason I’ve wondered if my memory of this was really accurate is because I didn’t want to believe that she couldn’t really talk about. It must have been my fault, I think to myself. I must not have tried hard enough to engage her about, I sometimes think.
But that’s not true.
My mother was in denial. And we never talked about what it would be like if she died.
I wish we had.
Finding Hope, After Mother-Loss
Dear Juliette: Nine Months In, Nine Months Out
Home from NYC: A Love Letter to the Women in My LifeFiled under: Death, Grief, Life, My Mom by Claire Bidwell Smith
7 Comments
All I can think of is something from your book about denial being a way that the body protects itself. Since knowing you and slowly learning of your life, all while becoming a mom, one thing was evident to me that I could never bring up to you. You mentioned in the book and in training that you wish your mom had gone through hospice. To me, even before reading the book, I thought I knew why she didn’t. She was fighting for you. For so many reasons. Of course, this is my opinion and based on my experience as a mom – but I couldn’t give up, ever. I know I would want the kids to know I fought until the very end because I loved them. And the pain of knowing that I would not see them grow after the hard work was over would certainly be too much….so to me your mom’s denial was totally borne out of her intense love for you. I think of what you have been through and my heart breaks for you. But it breaks as much for your mom and what she missed.
ps…sorry about the baby at the book signing but didn’t want to miss it. Heard a lot of it but didn’t get to stick around for my authpgraphed copy! and you still have amazing clavicles – even 6+ mos pregnant!
Comment by Bonnie on March 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Claire, after reading and listening to all the very personal questions you’ve been asked since publishing this book, I’ve wondered if it makes you go through the grief all over again? Lots of people are now analysing your life and how you dealt with certain situations, and then tell you what they thought of your decisions. Is it difficult at times? How do you deal with things you thought you’d put to rest?
Comment by jo on March 6, 2012 at 3:02 am
Hi Jo, that’s a great question. You know, I really feel quite a peace with my losses and my grief journey at this point. It doesn’t feel terribly difficult to talk about anymore, especially when I know that what I have to say is helpful to others.
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on March 7, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Aw, thanks for this comment Bonnie. You’re right, and I know that. Her denial was absolutely born out of her love and protection for me. Even so, I really wish we could have spoken of it all. I was so happy to see you at the reading!! Please send me your address so I can send you a nameplate for your book since I didn’t get to sign it! xo
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on March 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm
You know, it was totally the opposite with me. I was in denial about Jen dying and she knew it was coming. The day before she died we sat on the couch together and she talked about hospice and I could not have been more shocked because in my mind, we (she) was going to beat this and there was no other way to it. She died less than 24 hours later.
I don’t feel like we should have talked about death more although now I wonder if SHE wanted to, with me, or with any of us. I will never know. Thanks for writing this, it puts a lot of things into perspective.
xoxo
Comment by Liz on March 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I just found this page because I was specifically searching for others that had a similar experience to me: their loved one not being able to talk about the fact that they were dying. I just wanted to say that I had a very similar experience with my mother, who passed away at 64 this past November. Because of her tumors, she had moved in with me and my fiancé, and we had Hospice, but she would not talk to me about the fact that she was dying. She was very accepting in her way, but she also was so positive and optimistic that it seemed like denial to me. The one thing she said to the Hospice doctor about it was to the effect “why think and talk about dying when I don’t know where or when it’s going to happen.” I think she just wanted to enjoy what she could when she could, even though she was pretty sick. It’s hard to accept that she was okay with everything but I think in her way she was. I haven’t yet been able to move past the fact that I wasn’t able to talk to her about it, and when she started to open up a little bit her brain tumors made it difficult for her to communicate.
I guess we have to trust that everyone has a different way of responding to a situation. For me, I want to talk about it. For my mom, for whatever reason, she did not. I have to accept that as much as I accept the fact that she has died. She did what was best for herself, and what she probably thought was best for me.
Anyway, thank you for being so open about your process.
Comment by Kristin on April 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Oh, Kristin, I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. That sounds very similar to my experience and I know how difficult that is. Sending you love!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on April 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm
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