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This Closeness

Every morning when V wakes up we bring her into our bed. This usually affords us another 20 minutes of snoozing, and sometimes (very rarely) she'll fall back asleep for a while. Most of the time though she nurses on and off, jabbers away and flops back and forth between the two of us, exclaiming, "Mommy! Daddy!" and usually smacking Greg a great deal in the face.

It's all incredibly sweet (even the smacking), but my favorite is when she puts her head back on my pillow with me and I can rest my cheek against hers. "Close your eyes," I'll say, and she'll do this funny frown-squint thing and then smile and check to see if I'm watching.

This morning I was thinking about just how incredibly close I feel to her, and how I've never felt this close to anyone, not even Greg. I'm constantly astounded by the bond between parent and child. There is truly nothing like it. It's not something I could have ever imagined before having her.

But whenever I find myself musing on this closeness I always realize that I actually HAVE experienced this. With my own parents. And then I'm amazed by how I don't remember those years, the ones like I have now with Veronica. My strongest memories of my parents take place when I was older, when I was independent and feeling very much like my own separate entity.

Oh, but how different it must have been for them. Because of this time that I have now with Veronica, I can't imagine not feeling close to her always. Not feeling like I know every fiber of who she is. And I have no doubt they felt this way about me.

It always makes me feel closer to my mother when I think about it this way. It makes me feel like there is no distance that can truly separate us, even death.

4 Comments

  1. Claire, with no permission from you whatsoever, (but with fond attribution) I am lifting a copy of this post, printing it on special paper, and putting it in the file with our will and the already-copied earlier post of yours about “The Zip Lock
    Ritual”. Fate willing, I will have actually hugged you in person long before those papers are ever discovered by our children. But whatever the timing, know that you continue to have a profound impact on the life (and perhaps even the after life) of at least one loyal and loving reader.

    Comment by Carroll on November 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm

  2. Wow, Im so honored Carroll. And yes, a hug is definitely in order one of these days!

    Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on November 15, 2010 at 7:17 am

  3. If you haven’t, you should read/listen to the first part of Kelly Corrigan’s “Lift.”

    Comment by Tricia on November 15, 2010 at 8:31 pm

  4. Note made.

    Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on November 16, 2010 at 11:23 am

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