Good Enough, NO MORE
Posted October 01, 2010 by
This week I've been giving some thought to how I've been
conducting my life. I've come to realize that I've been spending a lot of time
analyzing how I'm going about things, and trying desperately to figure out a way to
balance it all. Most days I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm just
barely making it through to bedtime.
conducting my life. I've come to realize that I've been spending a lot of time
analyzing how I'm going about things, and trying desperately to figure out a way to
balance it all. Most days I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm just
barely making it through to bedtime.
The minutes, the hours go by
in a blur. I feel one step behind everything that is unfolding. I'm
struggling to keep up. It's like the end of a Tetris game when all the pieces are coming so fast and so close together. I just can't keep up. I fantasize regularly about pressing a pause
button, about what it would be like to see it all
freeze, and to stand there in the middle of it just breathing.
in a blur. I feel one step behind everything that is unfolding. I'm
struggling to keep up. It's like the end of a Tetris game when all the pieces are coming so fast and so close together. I just can't keep up. I fantasize regularly about pressing a pause
button, about what it would be like to see it all
freeze, and to stand there in the middle of it just breathing.
Breathing.
Breathing.
Breathing.
And evaluating. I'd love to be able
to pause everything about who I am right now, and really, truly have
time to take a good hard look at it. To see what I can improve, what I
can do away with, what I can do better.
to pause everything about who I am right now, and really, truly have
time to take a good hard look at it. To see what I can improve, what I
can do away with, what I can do better.
Better. That's the word that stops me
every time I get into this chain of thoughts.
every time I get into this chain of thoughts.
Better.
I could be doing things better.
A lot of things. Most things.
Because the thing is this: When it
comes to most areas of my life, I'm doing them just good
enough. Not bad. Not great. But just good enough.
comes to most areas of my life, I'm doing them just good
enough. Not bad. Not great. But just good enough.
My efforts at work? Not what they
used to be. In fact, I'm just barely keeping afloat, maintaining a
good enough level of care and effort in my work.
used to be. In fact, I'm just barely keeping afloat, maintaining a
good enough level of care and effort in my work.
My blog? Decent. Not great. There's a
lot more I would like to do here, to say, to create. But what you see
is what I am able to eek out. It's enough to keep things interesting,
but it's not what it could be.
lot more I would like to do here, to say, to create. But what you see
is what I am able to eek out. It's enough to keep things interesting,
but it's not what it could be.
My marriage? It's fine. We're
certainly not in a bad place, but we could be better. We could spend
more time together, enjoy each other more. We could think of each other
more often. We could stop reminding each other that
we're in an industrious time in our life together, and just make more
of an effort.
certainly not in a bad place, but we could be better. We could spend
more time together, enjoy each other more. We could think of each other
more often. We could stop reminding each other that
we're in an industrious time in our life together, and just make more
of an effort.
My writing? Nothing but frustrating.
There are so many projects, so many books and essays and articles and
outlets I want to work on, but I am only able to devote short bursts of
time to the biggest of them all, letting the
rest slip, regrettfully through my fingers.
There are so many projects, so many books and essays and articles and
outlets I want to work on, but I am only able to devote short bursts of
time to the biggest of them all, letting the
rest slip, regrettfully through my fingers.
My friends? Sigh. I miss them. I feel like I am doing the
bare minimum to keep our friendships current. I want to be making more dinner dates, sending more
emails, making more calls, planning more visits, simply returning more texts
in a timely fashion.
bare minimum to keep our friendships current. I want to be making more dinner dates, sending more
emails, making more calls, planning more visits, simply returning more texts
in a timely fashion.
My health and excercise routine? Good
lord, don't even get me started on this one. Suffice to say that I'm
probably going to die of a collapsed lung in the 5K I'm running on
Sunday.
lord, don't even get me started on this one. Suffice to say that I'm
probably going to die of a collapsed lung in the 5K I'm running on
Sunday.
My meditation and yoga practice?
Crickets.
I'm even a bad cat owner these days. And don't get me started on the poor house plants.
The only thing in my life that is
thriving?
thriving?
You know it. Veronica.
She's the only thing I'm giving my
all to. The only thing that isn't getting the good enough treatment. And
she's the only thing I'm doing these days that I feel like I can be proud of.
all to. The only thing that isn't getting the good enough treatment. And
she's the only thing I'm doing these days that I feel like I can be proud of.
I know, I know…that should be MORE
than enough. Being a great mom and giving everything to my daughter
should nix out all the other stuff, right?
than enough. Being a great mom and giving everything to my daughter
should nix out all the other stuff, right?
Except that it doesn't. Not for me
and not all the time, at least. I miss being really good at my job. I
miss the rich and passionate relationship I used to have with my
husband. I miss working my butt off on being a writer.
I miss being a really good friend. I miss yoga. And regular exercise.
And all the rest of it.
and not all the time, at least. I miss being really good at my job. I
miss the rich and passionate relationship I used to have with my
husband. I miss working my butt off on being a writer.
I miss being a really good friend. I miss yoga. And regular exercise.
And all the rest of it.
And dammit, I'm determined to figure
out a way to have it all. I refuse to believe that becoming a parent
means that the rest of your life has to disintegrate.
out a way to have it all. I refuse to believe that becoming a parent
means that the rest of your life has to disintegrate.
I want to continue to be a good mom.
But I also want to be a GREAT wife, and an amazing writer, an
indespensible co-worker, a loving and attentive friend, a caring cat owner and houseplant caretaker, and I want to
create time and energy for things like yoga and meditation.
But I also want to be a GREAT wife, and an amazing writer, an
indespensible co-worker, a loving and attentive friend, a caring cat owner and houseplant caretaker, and I want to
create time and energy for things like yoga and meditation.
So, Internet, hear me now. This is my
new goal. To put a stop to the good enough syndrome that has taken over my life.
Fall is upon us. A new season. A new era. And I'm taking this
opportunity to explore how I can do this, how I can have it all. Piece
by piece, I'm going to pick away at these
areas of my life that are suffering. I'm going to make each one into a
project and I'm going to defeat the good enough syndrome that has taken
over my life. I don't care if I have to make pie charts and learn Excel, I'm going to do this.
Enough of the good enough!
And please, if you have ideas or
suggestions for how to balance all the parts of your life, I'm all ears.
suggestions for how to balance all the parts of your life, I'm all ears.
Okay, here I go! Wish me luck!
Also see:
Finding Hope, After Mother-Loss
That Moment When What You Had Hoped For Is Better Than What You Imagined
Filed under: Being Present, Good Enough Project, Greg, Life, Love, New Mom, Parenting, Veronica, Writing by Claire Bidwell Smith
20 Comments
Hello Claire.
I fully understand your point of view in your post. I’m 32 and a mother of three. My last baby was born in May this year and when I read your thoughts and comments I think: Gee, these are my very thoughts. It’s really difficult to find the time for yourself, not to mention your husband, friends, being good or even excellent at work. But you know what? The less time you have, the more you can do and the more organised you become. That’s what I figured out some time ago.
If you want to devote some time to yourself, let’s say yoga or exercise, ask your husband to look after Veronica at the time.
Plants and pets – well, you can always look after them when Veronica has a nap or even when she’s up. Your baby girl must learn to play just by herself. I don’t mean the whole time – because she needs you and your attention, but just some time during the day. And remember that you can’t be perfect at everything. Your baby and your husband are the most important in your life. So good luck
Bye, Eva
Comment by Eva on October 1, 2010 at 11:19 am
Thanks, Eva. I suspect Im not alone in this syndrome, not even just among parents. Life can be overwhelming, no? And yes, youre right — I think the main thing I need to do is get organized. Im excited about figuring this out!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 1, 2010 at 11:43 am
For everything there is a season. I try to embrace “good enough,” or at least do things more slowly… can’t manage to do everything I want to (or need to) at once, so I’m trying to prioritize and space things out over time more. I also have been a patient friend to others when they’ve turned inward to their families as newlyweds, new parents, during busy or emotional times, etc. I hope that my close friends will understand when I do the same. So, I guess I’d say my approach is to try to do less. And the marriage — for us, I think it’s about an attitude: one of trying to be kind and giving, to follow the Golden Rule, and to try to be a little better each day, and to make sure we spend time together. We also don’t have any pets or house plants
.
Comment by Anne on October 1, 2010 at 2:19 pm
The Golden Rule….yes….I plan to recite it to myself out loud every day. Thanks Anne. Good Luck Claire……. I think you’re pretty amazing as it is.
Comment by kaye king on October 1, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Ah Claire. I nodded my head in agreement throughout this whole post. Wish I could give you some suggestions, but the truth is I could use some of my own. On the upside I am reallyu good at Excel
Comment by Wendy on October 1, 2010 at 10:49 pm
Well, maybe whatever process Im about to go through will be helpful to you then. And um, I just might need some Excel help!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 2, 2010 at 8:26 am
Aw, thanks Kaye!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 2, 2010 at 8:28 am
So, the answer is that I should get rid of all the pets and houseplants? Kidding. But that does seem like it would help sometimes.
All joking aside, your golden rule is a good one. Thanks for weighing in, dear.
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 2, 2010 at 8:32 am
You go for it, Claire! I am a strong believer in your dedication, wherever you choose to apply it, and have an idea that you’ll create more energy for all these things as your momentum is so strong. (It’s Spring in Brisbane now and I’m aiming for a similar re-invention.) Good luck!
Comment by Sara M on October 2, 2010 at 10:03 pm
I love this project! I can’t wait to see where you go with it!
Comment by Stephanie on October 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Thanks for believing in me Sara!! Keep us posted on your reinvention too!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Thanks, Stephanie!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 3, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Hi Claire,
I wonder if your situation might look different if seen from the outside. I think you are doing amazing! I’m single with far fewer responsibilities than you have, yet I still struggle with taking care of health and devoting time to the things I’m most passionate about. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Maybe taking some of time to reflect on all the things you accomplish each day would help. I’m sure you’re doing far better than “good enough.”
Nicole
Comment by nicole on October 3, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, Nicole! Im definitely conscious that this whole thing could be construed as me being hard on myself, but I genuinely want to make some changes and think this will be a fun project!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 3, 2010 at 9:03 pm
I completely understand how that feels. I moved out of the house last year to a completely new city and I feel miserable about losing touch with friends. And I just started working (uhh 17 months back), so by the time I get home from work I don’t have energy to make catch up calls or cook a nice meal or meditate or even go out for a walk. I barely manage to wish all my friends on their birthdays and do something special for the important ones. I used to be organised to the minutest details, but now all I manage to do is meet deadlines at work
I think I should start the project with you, lets kick some serious “good enough” out of our lives. Btw stop being so hard on yourself, just look at V and be proud =) I am super sure that you are doing much much much better than good enough. Loads of love!
Comment by Nima on October 4, 2010 at 8:15 am
Nima, this is what Im talking about. It kind of starts slowly, and then before you know it youre barely keeping up with friends birthdays. I just dont think it has to be this way! Wish me luck figuring it out! (And thanks for the encouraging words!)
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 4, 2010 at 12:17 pm
claire, i found your blog through reading the article on yahoo on grieving. been following you since. i have 2 little boys – 3 years and 1 year that are everything to me, but never really had the perspective of what was not right in my life….it is totally the good enough syndrome. being jack of all trades and master of none. i had to chuckle about your cats and houseplants. i am so there with you on those. i am excited to follow you on this project and see what unfolds. thanks for sharing!
Comment by Karla on October 4, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Poor houseplants…theyre really at the bottom of the totem pole, huh? Well, Im happy that youve found your diagnosis. Maybe we can get the Good Enough Syndrome in the DSM.
Let me know if any of the stuff I come up with is helpful to you!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 4, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Hey Claire
The only tip that I am following to make my life excellent rather than just good enough, is to really focus 110% on exactly what I am doing right now and right here. Even if it’s washing the dishes or hanging the clothes. I started to notice a while ago that I was always thinking about where I had been or where I was going, so that huge parts of my day just became a blur.
I know it would be really hard to focus with a little one in the mix, but just try it with small things and then it spreads. The power is always in the present moment.
Comment by Tanya Demello on October 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I think this is so smart. Really giving everything to the present moment has always made a huge difference for me. And its something I definitely plan to incorporate into my new life. Thanks for weighing in!
Comment by Claire Bidwell Smith on October 6, 2010 at 7:11 am
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