Monday Morning Dreams

I've been having such vivid dreams these last couple of weeks, sometimes two or three a night, some of them fierce and terrifying nightmares.

Last night I dreamed that I was at a doctor's appointment and had just had an ultrasound. The doctor left me alone in the room and I happened to see the top of my ultrasound chart and realized that, it said that the baby is a girl. I couldn't see it that well at first and, even though Greg and I have firmly decided not to find out, I couldn't help leaning forward to confirm that it really said GIRL, which it did.

In the dream the emotion I felt upon seeing that word — GIRL — was relief. Intense relief.

Telling of what my preference is, huh?

The truth is that I'd love to have one of each, a boy and a girl. Or even two boys and a girl or two girls and a boys or three girls. In any case, there just has to be a girl. And I hope that it happens with this pregnancy so that I don't have to wonder with each subsequent one; I can just have my girl and get it over with.

I've thought about this a lot — why it is that I want a girl so badly — and it's partly because the idea of having a boy makes me nervous because I fear I won't be able to relate to it as well. BUT, before you get your fingers poised to comment on that, let me say that I know that fear is irrelevant given the fact that I've never had a child before and I know, I just know, that no matter what I have it will be perfect and it will be exactly what I was meant to have, be it a boy or a girl or a child with disabilities, and I will love it and relate to it perfectly.

The conclusion I've really come to about why I want to have a girl so badly has to do with my mother. Simply that it's now been 12 years since I've had a mother-daughter relationship — and I had such a good one — that I deeply yearn to have that again. As complicated as those relationships can be, between a mother and her daughter, I want so badly to have that in my life again. My mother was such a vibrant, beautiful woman, and our relationship was so wonderfully complex and layered and influential. And her absence has left me to sort through so many things about what means to be a woman…that I would truly love to share a bond like that again, with a daughter. 

That said, because I've gone and written about it, and because I want it so badly, it's sure to be a boy. And that said, if it is a boy, it will most likely prove to teach me even deeper lessons than a girl somehow would — I think that sometimes what we fear the most is exactly what we need to propel us forward into new realms of life.

If you live in Chicago, be sure to look for the inaugural issue of The Printed Blog tomorrow morning, being passed out at el stops in Lincoln Park and Wicker Park.

8 comments

8 Comments

  • Carroll
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 10:45 am | Permalink

    Way to preempt your commenters there, Claire 😉 As an only-child, product of moderately dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship, and mother of two boys, I can’t think of a single thing to add that you haven’t already thought of, except to say that that baby, boy or girl, is just so darn lucky to be getting you for a mom! You’ll be fine!!!

  • Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    Same as what Carroll said…You said every possible thought while you are in that situation. Even without the experiences what you’ve had, I will think about exactly same things (hopefully) in the near future. In fact, I would want only girls (not just a girl, GIRLS!). I have two other sisters, who are two of my best friends. But I heard about having a boy gives you other blessings too (heard from one of my sisters), and I would love to have a boy or two, whenever I think of my husband. Anyway, it is a rather blissful nightmare after all!

  • Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Same as what Carroll said…You said every possible thought while you are in that situation. Even without the experiences what you’ve had, I will think about exactly same things (hopefully) in the near future. In fact, I would want only girls (not just a girl, GIRLS!). I have two other sisters, who are two of my best friends. But I heard about having a boy gives you other blessings too (heard from one of my sisters), and I would love to have a boy or two, whenever I think of my husband. Anyway, it is a rather blissful nightmare after all!

  • Posted January 27, 2009 at 12:55 am | Permalink

    Boy girl?, boy girl? Hmm. what are the odds? About 50/50 except following a war when it tips in favour of boys.
    But your dream, what does that mean? Perhaps a mother can sense the sex of a baby by a subtle interplay of hormones. Perhaps you have unconsious knowledge such as the time of conception in your ovulation cycle. I dont think dangling a crystal over your belly will add much information though. But my feeling is that it is possible that dreams enable us to access the subconscious. You said “because I want it so badly, its sure to be a boy”. That is invoking Murphy’s Law. Hmmm. I dont think that applies to sex selection of babies. In many countries, such as China, there is overwhelming desire for boys, so Murphy’s Law would indicate an overwhelming preponderance of girls. There is no evidence desire changes the sex ratio.
    So, given the possibility of your subconscious knowledge, I am tipping in favour of a girl.
    Actually, until puberty there isnt much difference. Indeed, in 15th century England they were regarded the same and ‘girl’applied to both sexes. If it was necessary to differentiate one was called a ‘gay girl’, and one was called a ‘knave girl’. The same lack of distinguishing until puberty still applies in many parts of Africa today, which explains the importance of circumcision ceremonies in that region. So in our society, the sexualisation of infancy is a recent phenomenon and arguably unnecesary. You know, blue for boys, pink for girls and all that.
    So for the first 10 years or so, its not going to make that much difference except perhaps in your mind. With a boy, get ready to dodge when changing diapers, thats about all.
    And I believe you when you say you will love your baby to bits whatever, I’m sure you will. But I’m still tipping a girl.

  • Posted January 27, 2009 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

    Glad I was able to pre-empt everyone except Paul (but that was expected, right? ;))!
    Sarah, you make a good point — whenever I think of my father or of Greg — and of having a son like either of them, then I feel good about it.

  • Wendy
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    Being the mom of both and having had my son first, I have to say that there is something special about the mother son bond. I have learned so much about the complexities of the opposite sex from my son and am constantly in awe of the fact that this male human being came out of me. I am a firm believer in things happening exactly the way they are supposed to and I have to say my children have changed my life in immeasurable ways. No matter what the sex, you will have the blessing of a deep, loving bond with your child!

  • Wendy
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 5:18 pm | Permalink

    Being the mom of both and having had my son first, I have to say that there is something special about the mother son bond. I have learned so much about the complexities of the opposite sex from my son and am constantly in awe of the fact that this male human being came out of me. I am a firm believer in things happening exactly the way they are supposed to and I have to say my children have changed my life in immeasurable ways. No matter what the sex, you will have the blessing of a deep, loving bond with your child!

  • cynth
    Posted January 30, 2009 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    absolutely you will have a deep bond with your child, whether boy or girl – although remember not to freak out if it doesn’t happen instantly. we clicked with our son right away, but for some of our friends it’s taken weeks or months, in one case almost a year, before the penny dropped. all are super bonded now though.

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